Neptune, god of the sea, claims west cost of Kerry.

The sea god Neptune last night laid claim to the west coast of Kerry in a daring coup which left the Irish Government reeling and thousands dead. Using his new weapon of ‘global warming’ Neptune submerged most of the west coast. Sources close to the merciless sea king claim that Neptune decided to attack the seaside county after his last application for one-off planning permission was rejected for the sixth time. This is the second fiasco to engulf Simon Coveney’s department (the first being the horse meat scandal) and rumours abound in Fine Gael that his hitherto unchallenged role as heir apparent is now in doubt.  A delegation from the Department of Foreign Affairs, led by an Tanáiste, has been send to the Iveragh Peninsula to treat with the Father of Monsters. According to sources the negotiations have been ineffective, ‘all he is doing is shouting “Its Labour’s way or Neptune’s way” in a vain attempt to turn back the waves; it’s embarrassing.’ For further analysis please turn to page fifteen where John Waters argues that the loss of Kerry is a reflection of our loss of meaning as a country.